I began my success journal for my weight loss program today. I haven't wanted to document my struggles because they are real and ugly and sometimes humiliating. This is a big deal for me. I know my eating disorder has a spiritual basis and has to be handled with spiritual tools. So far, I'm approaching this with "transforming" my mind. I will do this with God's word and prayer, and the support of someone. I have to pick someone who will be my accountability partner during this process. I'm torn between choosing someone who will understand my struggle and someone who really can't. An understanding person (one who struggles with food issues) may understand but, according to my reading, may turn against me if I begin to succeed. My success could threaten another who isn't ready to be faced with the reality of the spiritual battle at hand. A skinny person, who may have many other demons to face, can't understand the particular battle I face with food, but may be more supportive since they wouldn't be threatened by my success. I have a few ideas, so I'm praying about it. It will definitely be someone at home in Kennewick.

My journal is very cute. I found it very inspiring to prepare it for the battle. I cut apart the workbook and taped it into my journal, added some clip art, drew some pictures, and wrote some entries. It reminded me of the fun I had creating a model science journal for my science methods class at WSU. I plan to add photos and realia. It will be a work of art.

I have decided that I will not cook when I move home to Kennewick. I love to cook and I show love to others by cooking and serving them, but God will have to reveal to me another love language, since this one is toxic for me. I must remove my dependence on food and food related events. This means I can't feed others, plan food events, buy cookbooks, work in the cheese shops or catering events in my family, or other things. This will be difficult, but I need to "break up" with food. This must be a clean break. I cooked dinner tonight, and that will be the last time for a while. By tomorrow night I will be home.

Heavenly Father, I know you created all things good. You created my body and the system it has for nourishment. Sin has twisted this good system and made it a idol for me and others like me. I repent of this idol worship and ask for your strength to remain unattached to this earthly gift. Let me be wise enough not to imagine for a moment that I can do any of this without leaning completely on you. Give me a hunger and thirst for righteousness. Let me crave your Word as my nourishment. "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admireable...Think about such things. Philippians 4:8.